I started out by yelling out her name to get her attention on aim and she responded with "what happened?" However, I was still in the plan stage of what to ask her so I said "do you think you're cool?" She gave a "lol" and "me?" and her answer was "a little, not really". She elaborate herself when I asked why "not really"?, she answered, "like I wouldn't say that I am pretty, I guess". Which I thought it was an honest answer because a person who use the mask and adorning technique wouldn't say that. Then I got her to give an example, a girl from her school that "wants to be cool". She told me how the girl "is acting like one, like cursing, walking like is doing a catwalk, pretending to be cute like a little girl to get attention". When I read the answer, I thought how that person is acting the bad girl cool (the b-curse kind) and she said, "in my opinion, totally". However, she told me that the girl doesn't adorn like accessories and makeup on herself. "Do you think that's her real self?" I asked. "Nope, she is adding other's personalities to hers" she answered.
Then I got into questions about her, such as asking her about the brand names she wears, which was quite a lot. "I wear all sorts of brands," she said. Reading the brand name she wear, I saw that it is not the typical cool person would concentrate on. Like how the people that is cool or want to be cool would get the designer brands and wears what people would think is cool. She said, "sort of or I like the style of the clothing" when I asked if the clothing looks cool. Then the next question that I asked her was the typical answer that many people would have given. "I don't want people to think I am cool because of my clothing. I wear it because I like it. lol". Then I flipped back to the girl from her school and what she answer on her thoughts on the girls clothing. She said, "the opposite", that the girl is wearing for others to see.
I asked her a straightforward question, "Do you like adorning yourself with make up and accessories?" I kept wondering if that question is defensive or not. It doesn't seem so in her case. She answered, "Not really because I think that I am using those make up and accessories to please someone else than being myself; I would put make up and accessories but only for special occasions". As for the special occasions, she said, "you want to be pretty on special occasions like going to a wedding...maybe I do think that some people put on make up is like giving themselves a new identity". Then I asked her a set of funny questions, "what if you are the host, would you adorn yourself or to have no makeup? Since other people would dress up and put make up on, wouldn't the effect of you being there would more make up or no make up, the sense/amount of attention be the same?" She gave me a "maybe" because "the host is like a special character in the book". But I asked her about the girl again, and if she be a host everyday, what do you think? "That's sad then," she replied. What about for general people? "If for particular day or something, it's okay but constantly, something is weird". -The end-
It seems that once we tried too hard to become something, like cool, we are not use too, or that people notice the change too quickly, the effect of coolness on us would disappear. Acting like a ill mannered girl, and showing off too much is not good either. I think that everybody thinks about when getting something is do they like it or not. But there are also a tiny part of the whether they like it or not, is if people would see them like it or not. Like wearing make up and accessories, if a girl likes the color or the design, it doesn't mean that it will look good on her. And then she would have a feeling that if her do wear it, people would stare (or do something) to make her become self-conscious. Like the funny set of question I asked her; if you would choose the no make up (with a pretty dress or no) or the make up with wearing a pretty dress, I think a lot of people would choose the second one. Being the host, they would need to stand out than the others and to not be embarrassed.
I think the method that many people use to make themselves become cool is to walk like the celebrities and talk trash (if necessary) though I think that's making themselves look dumb in front of others. However, it seems there are the bad looking/personality cool people vs the good looking/personality cool people. Sometimes wearing nice clothes is a must or need for that person; therefore, it's not wrong. But, for those who wear too much, revealing the bad personality, gives away the masking, costuming and adorning techniques.
People buy things that they like, is it to fill the emptiness they need or is that a need for basic needs? Why not get the same size/color/design shirt as you grow up? Is that a no-no in our society or not the way to do the business? We consume many things that we might use and might not use, and which the might not use items become wasted. Wasting money is a bad thing but it is also a desire that we want to do. Since we have money, we would want to waste them for things we wanted/need. Is that trying to fill the hole in our heart (or somewhere) to have happiness? Is it tragic that we use the strategies and to be consume by the emptiness by consuming other things to avoid the emptiness? Can we avoid it? I don't think so since it's always going to be there...until we died...or even after we died too...ooohhh.....
Part B:
I adorn myself by wearing rings, necklaces and earrings. But for some reason, I'm not comfortable with bracelets or watches, it somehow itches my wrist if I put it too long (I wondered why too). I think the part of the reason I put on the earrings are like what other people say, it's because I like it and I want to try it out. But other reasons, such as the rings I'm wearing, is to tell people what things I know such as some of the rings I have is from the anime I watched. I like watching anime and reading manga and I feel good when I can recommend an anime/manga to people. Maybe it's because I want to get attention on what I know and to show the knowledge I have on an interest I have. Also, I want people to get interested in what I am interested so I have a sense that I am not alone in this (since there is not many people who does have an interest in anime/manga in the grade).
Another aspect is my so called talent for drawing. People compliment me for the drawings I drew but I feel that it's not as good as they think. I like drawing characters and just randomly scribble/draw on the paper. Then somehow people would come and look at it, telling me it looks good. They would start asking me to draw something for them and I would start feeling undecided. I would want to draw for them but I'm not sure if I am able to draw it well. In a way, I'm judging my own drawing and thinking how people would think of my drawing. I would sometimes make the drawing as good as possible but it's not the way I would want because I would want to draw out what I feel that it's good. People say art is from your heart, that one must draw what's one feeling. However, it's hard when people are around and it's different when I am alone, concentrating on what to draw. I'm trying to manipulate myself to draw what others' want when other people are around. I'm trying to aggrandizing myself when people are around. I think it's because I become self conscious when people are staring at what I am doing. Then I have to think about whether they like it and whether I like it. I try to make the drawing grand, which makes myself grand. I think by showing anything that it is "good" or "great" to people, people would take notice of it, which is the aggrandizing yourself.
I feel that having a talent such as drawing or playing a music instrument is nice but it returns with a weight of pressure when people start acknowledging your presence with your talent. They would rely on you when your talent is needed and if your talent is not good enough, you would somehow get abandoned. This I think would start the realization of the emptiness inside yourself. Or that if you don't have a talent that you think you don't have, the realization of the emptiness would start creeping into your mind (even if you are unconscious about it). We would try to make ourselves become better, which builds up the using of the methods. Trying to manipulate (I think the word is kind of evil) others to do the things we need to fill in the emptiness. We try to avoid emptiness by filling it in but we are actually facing it too because we are constantly aware of it if the situations are bad in our lives. Even if it is not bad, there is the sense of emptiness in the back of our minds. But is emptiness a good feeling - a hole - in our lives? Is it there to bring us to face what we don't want to face once we fill the hole too much?
Part B:
I adorn myself by wearing rings, necklaces and earrings. But for some reason, I'm not comfortable with bracelets or watches, it somehow itches my wrist if I put it too long (I wondered why too). I think the part of the reason I put on the earrings are like what other people say, it's because I like it and I want to try it out. But other reasons, such as the rings I'm wearing, is to tell people what things I know such as some of the rings I have is from the anime I watched. I like watching anime and reading manga and I feel good when I can recommend an anime/manga to people. Maybe it's because I want to get attention on what I know and to show the knowledge I have on an interest I have. Also, I want people to get interested in what I am interested so I have a sense that I am not alone in this (since there is not many people who does have an interest in anime/manga in the grade).
Another aspect is my so called talent for drawing. People compliment me for the drawings I drew but I feel that it's not as good as they think. I like drawing characters and just randomly scribble/draw on the paper. Then somehow people would come and look at it, telling me it looks good. They would start asking me to draw something for them and I would start feeling undecided. I would want to draw for them but I'm not sure if I am able to draw it well. In a way, I'm judging my own drawing and thinking how people would think of my drawing. I would sometimes make the drawing as good as possible but it's not the way I would want because I would want to draw out what I feel that it's good. People say art is from your heart, that one must draw what's one feeling. However, it's hard when people are around and it's different when I am alone, concentrating on what to draw. I'm trying to manipulate myself to draw what others' want when other people are around. I'm trying to aggrandizing myself when people are around. I think it's because I become self conscious when people are staring at what I am doing. Then I have to think about whether they like it and whether I like it. I try to make the drawing grand, which makes myself grand. I think by showing anything that it is "good" or "great" to people, people would take notice of it, which is the aggrandizing yourself.
I feel that having a talent such as drawing or playing a music instrument is nice but it returns with a weight of pressure when people start acknowledging your presence with your talent. They would rely on you when your talent is needed and if your talent is not good enough, you would somehow get abandoned. This I think would start the realization of the emptiness inside yourself. Or that if you don't have a talent that you think you don't have, the realization of the emptiness would start creeping into your mind (even if you are unconscious about it). We would try to make ourselves become better, which builds up the using of the methods. Trying to manipulate (I think the word is kind of evil) others to do the things we need to fill in the emptiness. We try to avoid emptiness by filling it in but we are actually facing it too because we are constantly aware of it if the situations are bad in our lives. Even if it is not bad, there is the sense of emptiness in the back of our minds. But is emptiness a good feeling - a hole - in our lives? Is it there to bring us to face what we don't want to face once we fill the hole too much?
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